Jealousy is only a deal-breaker in polyamory if it is the angry, possessive, green-eyed monster variety. We don’t see many people in polyamory who have that kind of jealousy going on. But for almost everyone jealousy in relatively milder but still a painful yet natural human reaction to which almost everyone is vulnerable under the right circumstances. Even people who embrace polyamory for themselves, especially those who are fairly new at it, are sometimes surprised to find themselves feeling jealous under certain circumstances.

If we say that polyamory isn’t for those who have the potential to be jealous, no one would would be poly. So it’s not about whether we get jealousy but instead about how we handle and resolve or learn to manage the feelings.

As to total transparency, I have one caveat. Total transparency is necessary as to the nature of other relationships, especially those that are sexually intimate, but total transparency is NOT necessary as to exactly what sexual activities go on. In fact, it can do more harm than good unless everyone involved is in clear agreement that the details of lovemaking are fair game for discussion with other partners.

Many people feel that disclosing exactly what they do with a partner is a violation of privacy, and I tend to agree. I’ve know a fair number of people who also found themselves feeling upset and surprised about it when these details were disclosed. All relationships need privacy for intimacy to develop, especially emotional intimacy. A partner does not need to know all the details of what their partner does in private with another sweetie. They simply need to know the nature of the relationship and to recognize via their partner’s dependability that no matter what that partner does with or feels for another, they will continue to stand by their commitment to do right by all their relationships.

Good luck in your new poly life!