We all have friends that make you feel great. On the other hand, we have friends who make you feel awful. The questions is, why do you still hang around with them?
This isn’t a rhetorical question.
Why?
Actually ask yourself because it gives you clarity to see what answers come back.
My excuse was I didn’t want to socialize with them but felt I had no choice. I work from home so had a pretty introverted social life. 99% of my friends were energy drainers. They’re on the same level and I was at that level for a long time. I started improving my life quickly and felt a huge disconnect from them. They seemed happy to just get by.
I don’t believe that there are a lack of friends out there that are like you, you are a proof that humans can reach that level. It’s a valuable lesson to teach these people to have high self respect and you could teach them that by not taking their rubbish and moving on. Haven’t all lessons that you’ve learnt in your own life come from someone respecting themselves too much for a level of treatment and rising above it. You could give this lesson to someone else.
I try not to be angry at them. We’ve all been there and they’re just not ready yet. Just keep knowing it’s for their good and your own.
First Step
Get a list of the people that you have seen in the last month. Estimate how many hours you spend with each person. In the column after that note how you feel after being around them. -5 and 5 being each end of the scale. Feel free to include family as well, they’re not exceptional to this.
-5: Amazing and refreshed -3: Considerably better than when we met -1: Feel better but barely 0: Feel no difference (neutral) 1: Feel worse but barely 3: Considerably worse than when we met 5: Terrible and depressed
Now compile that list. Just open Notepad, it’ll take a second and you’ll get some real eye opening data. Now what you do is create a final column which is a multiplication of the hours spent and energy.
It should look like this at the end.
Friend A – 30 hours (Energy 5) = 150 Friend B – 3 hours (Energy -3) = -90 Friend C – 10 hours (Energy -5) = 0
From the above example it is obvious that this person spends too much time with Friend A. The high score indicates this. On the other hand Friend B leaves them feeling “Considerably better than when we met” but only 3 hours a week is spent with them. Stop seeing friend A and see friend b for those 30 hours you’re making up for. It’s simple, and effective.
The lower numbers are areas of improvement and the the higher numbers mean you should cut back contact with that person.
The Source
A social mentality that a lot of people have is that there is a head of a group of friends, sometimes called an “alpha”. They are the groups energy source. This can be a good or a bad thing but one thing that is certain is that being around them seriously affects you.
Positive energy people are head of the group because people see their positive energy and warm to it, it makes them feel good. Negative energy people are head of the group because people live in fear. The difference is chalk and cheese. Fear and Love.
The Energy Drainers
These people suffer from varying degrees of Excusitis and can often by found holding up and helping maintain each others limiting beliefs about life by relaying how terrible their day has been. Conversation topics regularly centre on
1. The Weather (Mainly my fellow Brits)
2. What “That idiot” did to me, and
3. Their own “bad luck”.
These people can easily be spotted and I know you all know one of them, maybe personally.
How do you know which you are? Here’s a little test.
Do your friends reveal deep things to you? Would they tell you a secret that they wouldn’t tell others? If the answer is no then you’re probably a negative energy person or a neutral one at best. It’s cool though, we’ve all been there. Just have the guts to admit it and move on.
Amplified Energy
The reason these two sets of people don’t mix is that their energies are opposites. The high energy people might as well not exist to the lower energy ones. All the lower energy people can see is their low energy friends and their mind thinks “Sheesh, maybe life really is just hard and everyone is suffering like this”. This is why meeting new people is such a thrilling experience. You find sides to yourself you didn’t even know you had.
When a group of really high or really low energy people get together, their energy is multiplied to more than the sum of their parts. Let me explain that. 10 high energy people together can change the world permanently for the good and 10 low energy people have their energy multiplied to create human shames like 9/11 and The Holocaust. They’re not that insane on their own. It’s thinking as a group that turns you insane.
How many positive world changing people worked alone and how many world changing negative people worked in a group? This is why you have to be so conscious of your energy level and that of those around you. Do you think Hitler or the 9/11 bombers thought that they were influenced by others? Of course not. They are unconscious to what’s happening.
Turning Up Your Energy
Firstly, realise that you can’t just start to socialize with the highest energy people starting today. They know about low energy and are well prepared.. They set up systems of mazes and hoops that you have to jump through to get to them. Low energy people will shit all over your high energy if they get to you. Most of them will give up after a few hurdles it’s too hard and they don’t want it that badly. It’s Darwin all over again. Only the strongest will get through and that’s the entire purpose of it.
You have to change yourself first. You have to shift to that level and you will find high positive energy attracts itself and people will pop up from nowhere.. If you have to sit indoors for a month, so be it. This is a life changing proposition I’m offering here. Here’s how its done:
Be Grateful – High Energy people appreciate things. They find gratitude in the simplest things like a quiet coffee with friends. Find something you can appreciate, anything. Ask yourself the question “What could I be appreciative of right now if I had to find something?” then listen.
Start Mixing With Less Friends – High energy people don’t just socialize with tonnes of people. They have 5 friends who are AMAZINGLY high energy them rather than 50 friends with ” I’m getting by” energy. When you have to deal with lots of people you have to deal with lots of different levels of energy and that’s just going to make your energy go haywire all day.
Stop Feeling Obligation – If a person does not depend on you for one of the 5 basic needs (housing, food, water, money and housing) then the best social lesson you can give them is to leave them if they have really low energy. Don’t think a number of years doing something makes you good at it or means you should stay with them. Being friends for 10 years often means you’ve not grown enough.
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P.S. – Whilst writing this article I was interrupted by phonecalls and a knock on the door from my biggest personal energy drain (unfortunately a family member). And just thought I’d tell you about the synchronicity. The universe is always listening to your thoughts.
I’ve struggled the last few years with purpose in my life. In school I was above average intelligence and nicknamed “The Professor” at age 10. Teachers told me I was a lazy genius. I’d rather spend time throwing radiator-fried grapes at my friends. School life was D-U-L-L.
I had great teachers though because I went to a Grammar School which is a big deal in the UK. These schools teach the top 2% of students in the country. I got detentions regularly in high school but did pretty well with no revision getting mostly B’s and a few C’s.
After picking subjects I had a general interest in, I got accepted into college at 16. I skipped classes constantly and my only goal was trying to be the best table football player. I didn’t want to be in College for the classes but it was better than getting an entry level job. It was starting to bug me now, What was I going to do with the rest of my life? This couldn’t go on forever.
2 years later, and I’d scraped into University by the skin of my teeth. I moved out into my own place and just got drunk every day. It was the popular thing to do and I just bleeted along with the other sheep, scared to listen to my intuition. As the cliché goes “I majored in Alcohol” and once got put in hospital after returning to my house and puking up blood in my flat, not fun.
There was no purpose internal or external in my life and I was drifting aimlessly from one thing to the next. Why was I even here? What was the point in this? I didn’t enjoy my course and my debt increased each day that I stayed here. I had vague goals but didn’t have the self control to even go into University each day.
It’s feeling like therapy writing about this. I’ve put it out of my mind for so long. I had a “University Box” which I cleared out a month ago which has all my old papers that I just didn’t want to face as the memories were so bad.
Down beaten, depressed and in debt I moved into a relatives house and after a few odd jobs here and there I saw an advert in my local paper for a company which is well known in the UK for delivering catalogues door to door.
I phoned up and arranged an interview. Fast forwards to the day and I’ve handed over £75 for a kit of 50 catalogues. The idea being that I post them through doors and when people buy something on an order form I get 50% of that money.
I stuck it out for about 6 weeks, telling myself that it was just I needed to stay at it. After a while my “mentor” called me and told me that there was a huge company meet up in Birmingham at the NEC arena that was free and I WAS INVITED!
It was a place they use for concerts and was huge. We shuffled into out seats with the other 5000 people there. During the show they gave cars to people who had earned so much for the company and the speakers had the audience in uproar shouting in ecstasy and appreciation.
I could feel the energy around me that everyone except me seemed to be plugged into except me. It felt scary and animal-like. I decided on the way home I would leave this as soon as I got home. This definitely was not my purpose. There was still enough strength life left inside me to keep searching. I just hadn’t found it yet.
The Internet Era
After a few short jobs it wasn’t long before I started looking online for work. I got into selling digital products on the net. I earned quite a bit of money, writing about 50 articles per day. I was the guy who had money but hated life. The type of guy we all laugh at and hate to think we might become. I feel sorry for people who do this because I know what it’s like. It’s not fulfilling at all and numbs you as a human.
All my previous failures were nothing compared to this. Whenever I was awake, I was working. I say awake sparingly as I became a robot. I started treating my family like crap and withdrawn into myself. This suffering was deeper because I put in so much effort and hated life even more than when I started.
This radically changed my outlook on life and I started reading up on self-development and spirituality whenever I could and putting it into use. In September 2009, I started this site. I knew immediately I had found my passion. In January 2010 I quit selling products on-line and concentrated all my effort on this blog. And this is where I am now.
So, What Does This Teach Me About Purpose?
When I was younger I couldn’t get my head around what people meant when they said “The tough times will make you stronger” but it’s becoming so clear now. When you have experienced the worst possible scenario you know you can handle them and so can then shoot for your dreams with nothing to lose.
Purpose Takes Time – Your purpose won’t just come to you overnight like on the TV. This business is going well for me but I’ve started 2 businesses before this one and went to University twice. Do what you love and you’ll find your way.
Perseverance Is Key – You might fail with 3 businesses in a row but with perseverance you dust yourself off and stand up for the 4th time. If you run a business do you get angry if your sales dip? Just keep changing your approach and concentrating on providing value and obstacles fall to the side.
Set Your Goals Long Term – If I had of thought long term in the last 3 to 4 years instead of not believing I could do it, I would have been much happier and earning tonnes more money than I do now. Be the tortoise and roll your eyes at the hares.
Never Give Up Your Dream – An easy goal gives you no motivation so you will probably not achieve it. Who cares about earning $10/month in additional income? By setting huge unrealistic goals you get pumped, your creativity and physical energy will go through the roof and these will power you through the tough times.
Success Is On The Far Side Of Failure – Things WILL get tough but I would not change any of the things that happened to me. They make me the man I am now. I have been taught meaning, perseverance, courage and service amongst other priceless things.
Follow Your Passion And The Money Will Follow – By doing what you love the money will come because you will be providing genuine value. Every penny you earn from your passions feels like it’s worth a million times more than a penny from something you hate to do.
The most important lesson I’ve learnt overall is that ultimately there are 2 ways for positive change to happen in your life.
Number #1 is that you will suffer daily until things are so terrible that you can barely get up and look at yourself in the mirror in the morning and you are forced into change. This is the way I learned the last few years and it’s the hard way. Its point is to show us that there is an easier path which is …
Number #2 which is that we choose to change before the problem comes to us. This is what Stephen Covey calls being proactive, not reactive. This happens to people after they have suffered so much after experiencing the first one. We learn to use our human power and we will never have to suffer that much again.
Have You Suffered Enough?
Following Path #1 will lead to years of suffering, but maybe you’re not ready to take control yet and that’s fine.
For those of you out there who feel strong enough, start making proactive choice before life catches up with you.
